


A Fool's My Name

by norskadett



Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Blood and Gore, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Healing, Heavy Angst, I use a lot of headcanons (they are listed), Lack of Communication, Loss of Trust, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Possibly OOC depending on how harsh you stick to canon, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-06-24 06:37:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15624867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/norskadett/pseuds/norskadett
Summary: One moment he was on top of the world, his heart pounding through his chest with untested technology at his very fingertips. He was at an absolute high, cackling like a madman who thought that Miss Karma was on his side. The next, however, she struck him down from where he stood, crushing his spirit into indecipherable bits as he lay in a crumpled pile of blood.There seemed to be nothing left except heavy doses of guilt.





	1. Info

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just the page for how I am writing the characters. I put this here so that people who don't like these headcanons can leave before reading. I know how it feels to really enjoy a story only to find something that really ticks you off and kind of ruins how you read the rest. I love that people have such diverse headcanons, but it can be disappointing, you know?  
> Some of the writing is changed from how I posted it on Wattpad since much of it is old and I fixed it some as I posted.

Nationalities are listed as biological father's nationality/biological mother's nationality, everything else is self explanatory.

None of their pronouns are changed even if their gender is.

Edd: Chilean/British (Born in Britain)  
-6'5''  
-He met Tom in his second year of school, Matt in his eighth, and Tord in his ninth.  
-Homoromantic/Asexual, cis, and polyamorous  
-Biggest strength: Logic (mental), Weakness: Forgiving nature (emotional)

Matt: Ugandan/British (Born in Britain)  
-6'2''  
-He met Tom by chance in his seventh year, though later would have met him anyway through Edd and Tord  
-Panromantic/Pansexual, cis, and supportive of polyamory  
-Biggest strength: Sympathy (emotional/physical), Weakness: Bottling emotions (emotional)

Tom: Romanian/British (Born in Britain)  
-5'8''  
-He met Tord mid year at the beginning of highschool, and Matt in seventh.  
-Biromantic/Bisexual, masc-aligned nonbinary, and open to polyamory  
-Biggest strength: Empathy (emotional), Weakness: Abrasiveness (physical)

Tord: Norwegian/German (Born in Norway)  
-5'3''  
-He moved to London at the end of his eighth year, where he met Matt, and met the other two in his ninth.  
-Biromantic/Bisexual, trans man, and open to polyamory  
-Biggest strength: Knowledge (mental), Weakness: Easily manipulated (mental)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Their heights have nothing to do with how they act, so if you're unsure if I'm making them incredibly ooc based off that, keep reading to determine that yourself. Or don't, I don't control you. I'm just explaining myself ahead of time since I've been approached about these things before.  
> Also don't go off on me in the comments for making them "snowflakes" or whatever you want to call it. LGBT people exist and no, it's not hard to find a group of people that is entirely LGBT. All of the changes made are to give the show a bit more representation to help stray the characters from the cast, as they are no longer attached to their original creators.


	2. dripping venom (ch. 1)

"I am not your friend!"

The vicious scream rang out in the heavy air as metal pierced metal, and words pierced spirit. The thin body of the harpoon struck right through the top of the engine, warnings blaring. An explosion forced scraps of the machine and a body to a cliff, the sharp edges tearing flesh and cloth along the way.

A simple red car made its way to the site of all this misery, the passengers ready to aid the fallen soul. As they stepped out, he forced a large hunk of the destroyed robot off of himself after struggling with it for some time. A surge of pain wracked throughout his body, causing him to double over. Body clenched close to itself, he let the agonizing wave die down, but not fully. God no, his whole body felt as if it were crumbling apart and crashing back together all at once, but it was enough to be bearable. He picked himself up despite much protest from his limbs and peered out at the carnage, his actions beginning to fully sink in. He scanned the ground for a moment, noticing an in tact mechanic arm, which he retrieved from the settling ash. Soldiers that served a position higher than him rushed over as he returned to the edge of the cliff. They weren't ordered to look after the low rank, but the three were extremely close from their time in war together. It wasn't a hard choice to make to help instead of doing their work. 

 

[Tord's P.O.V.]

 

I allowed my fellow soldiers to look for useful parts and treat my wounds as I replayed the past events in my head. It all went so fast, too fast even. Hell, I had even enjoying myself. Everything now felt like I was neck deep in molasses, whereas moments before I was fucking thrilled.

Dumbass.

I couldn't imagine a better name for myself right now.

Worse insults slipped their way into my fogged thoughts. I felt tears press at my eyelids as I held them shut as tightly as possible. To no avail, my eyes fell open, and the waterworks flowed. I just couldn't understand it. I was never one to cry, not since I was young. Since then I realized that the world doesn't care about me, and never will, so I locked that away. I supposed that the key was torn out of my control. The setting sun stung my eyes as I looked out at the figures in the distance. Their pleas burned in the back of my mind as my thoughts whirled. I couldn't sit here and be weak like this, it felt pathetic and gross. I glanced back at Pat, who was scouring for parts. As soon as he ducked his head into another worthless pile, I stood up and bolted.

I refused to look back when I heard their yells, I just pushed my burning legs to sprint. The grass beneath me let out a calm brushing sound in stark contrast to how my legs painfully pushed forward. Making sure the metal arm was safe in my grasp, I stumbled down the cliff and headed for the street. It was beginning to be a burden to keep my legs both in motion and standing, especially considering I barely made it down without tripping over myself. I started to feel light headed, but I couldn't have cared less. I could see their figures, right there, right in front of me. I reached out a shaking hand and attempted to call out their names.

"Edd!"

I thought I heard myself speak his name.

"Matt!"

I swear my ears picked my voice up.

"Tom!"

But all was in my mind. The throbbing in my arms, legs, and head stopped for a moment. I thought I was going to make it. I called for them again, only to see the horizon closing to black in front of me. I felt the hard asphalt as my world fell into darkness, but just before my last bit of light flickered away, I swear I heard my name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not very long


	3. almost like home (ch. 2)

I opened my eyes, but they still weren't open.

Well, I thought they were open, but I was only met with pitch blackness. I heard near silent whispers, unable to make out what was being said due to the volume. Then there were light trembles in the ground- or air?- around me. One was much harder, and my eyes actually shot open.

The sudden rush of bright light hurt, causing me to blink rapidly. As soon as I was able to see without burning out my vision, I tried sitting up. Everything ached, and I almost fell back over. I stared ahead blankly, unable to snap my attention off of the dull wall.

After a few seconds, I came back to reality and noticed the quiet gasps coming from behind me. I turned slowly, as to not strain or hurt myself, and saw Edd and Matt standing in a doorway.

Why are they here?

I started to become aware of my surroundings, though my vision remained blurry. The walls were a soft yellow with a bit of an orange tint. A few frames were hung up by the door, pictures of Edd, Tom, and Matt placed in them. There was another nail next to that, and I assumed that the picture had fallen. Without looking at anything else, I guessed that I was at their house. Or, at least, a new one. "..E..dd?" I managed to sputter out, voice dry and cracking, along with a few coughs that erupted from my throat.

He rushed to my side and held his ear to my chest as I coughed. He sighed a bit. If I had to guess, I'd say he was checking to see if I had anything in my lungs. He sat down on the edge of the couch that I was on, placing a hand on my shoulder. "How are you feeling?" He asked after a moment.

"Kind of.. like hell, but... why am I here?" I forced myself to speak as steadily as possible, but I still had to take a few breaths in between.

"Uhh.." He looked to Matt for a second, then back to me. "Well.. After the explosion, you um..." Oh, that's right. I ran.

"We thought you had died, but we heard something fall behind us. You passed out, probably from blood loss.."

"Yeah, care to explain that, by the way?" I jumped slightly at the new tone. I turned my head a bit in the direction of Tom's voice, locking eyes with a stare that screamed pure hostility.

"Tom, wait. He's still in bad condition, we'll ask him later," Matt said sternly. I shook my head and held my right arm for a moment, knowing it was ripped up, only to feel bandages. They had me patched up? Why?

"Yeah, he couldn't exactly talk easily," Edd agreed. It felt wrong to be defended like this. Not only was I basically unable to speak up for myself, but I had also just tried to destroy these guys. Why are they even defending me?

"And that matters to me? No. I want an answer now. He tried to kill me, and you expect me to be patient for when he's feeling better? Hell no!" Tom growled. Only the cold hard truth, I suppose. "I want him to explai-"

"I don't fucking care if you don't want to wait!" Edd interrupted, slightly hesitant to raise his voice at Tom, but doing so nonetheless. "Your requests aren't the only ones in the house. Matt and I have voices too, can you just respect that for once? You never let us have a say in matters like this, but guess what? We have feelings! It looks like, 'I didn't think about that, Edd,' won't cut it anymore. I won't deal with that anymore." My eyes widened, and I stared at him curiously. Back in college, he had managed to push back some of the anger issues he'd built up, but sometimes that still slipped out. He told us once before that he hates snapping at his friends. Tom looked just as shocked, which made sense. "Certainly you know how that hurts?"

He rubbed the bridge of his nose and drew in a short breath. "Look, I'm sorry for yelling. I just can't deal with you pushing us around anymore," he apologized. Tom shook his head and crossed his arms uncomfortably.

"No, don't apologize. I really should work on that. But promise me he will have to explain later?"

Edd nodded firmly. "Yeah, I need answers, too, but not right now. Oh, and Tord," he eyed me over, quick to glare daggers into my skull. "Don't think this means you're forgiven, because you sure as hell have not been."

He forced his anger to fall again and then went on to tell me to rest more, so I told him I would. After they left the room, my eyes opened once more.

I reached up and touched the bandages on my face, only just realizing that they were there, since I felt numb. I carefully removed them and closed my eyelids to feel my eye. However, there wasn't anything there. It was just an empty socket; a strange feeling, to say the least. I wrapped it back up as best I could with a light sigh, looking to my arm.

Its bandages were just as neatly done, but there was barely any, if any at all, white left. It was all a deep red. I wasn't going to call them back, of course, so I just sat there and tried to lift it. My shoulder strained as I did so, though nothing below it moved. I just told myself that it was because I was tired and had lost a lot of blood. Maybe going to sleep really was my best option, but I'm stubborn as hell, even I had to admit that.

I stayed up despite sleep dragging at my eyelids, trying to think of a way to explain myself. It was going to be an extremely difficult conversation, that's for sure. After a few hours, the others made their way back into the room quietly. I sat up to look at them, and Matt flicked the lights on.

Well, here we go.


	4. ticking (ch. 3)

A pool of dread hung heavy in my stomach, my mind spinning. Or maybe it was the room? No, but it seemed like it, sure. I took a handful of the hem of my shirt, sitting up and resting my back against the armrest. Edd and Tom walked in after Matt moved from the doorway, and I could basically feel how disappointed the green clad Brit was that I didn't take up on his offer that I rest. Oh well, I had too much to think about.

A weak snap caught my attention and brought me back to the present as soon as I found myself spacing out. Edd's dry fingers barely managed to make the click, but it worked.

"So, what's your deal, huh?" Tom's tone was already dripping with impatience, wonderful.

"Well-," I quickly got out, taking a second to swallow down the dryness in my throat. It didn't help a lot, but I'll take as much as I can get. "I do not really know where to start, but-"  
Tom cut me off. Typical.

"How about why you had a mecha under the fucking lawn?"

"Right. Uh, well, I actually need to start earlier than that. See, when we joined the military together, I really enjoyed it. It felt right to me, so when you left, I decided I wanted to keep up with it."

"What does this have to do with anything?" I swear I would rip that man's mouth off if I was in the condition to.

"If you let me finish, I was going to say that I did not stay with Britain's forces." I made sure to fix Tom a short glare before returning my gaze to its resting position at my lap. My fingers twisted and pulled at the fabric I wore; a nervous habit of mine. "When I moved back to Norway for those some years- did I word that right? Nevermind- I was drafted, thanks to my good friends' word to their higher ups, into the current military force in the country."

"Why say it like that?" Edd peaked a brow, folding his arms with no discernable emotion on his face.

"Because it is a force that overtook Norway, not their original army."

The room fell into an uncomfortable silence as the three Englishmen processed what I'd said. Tom opened his mouth as if to say something, but closed it after a second thought, I presume. Edd was the next one to drop the hush of the room, mumbling something to himself before looking up at me. He was scowling. "So let me get this straight." And there goes a hand back to its spot over his temple. "You decided it was a better idea to go with a malicious army rather than the military here at home keeping us safe? To be fair, you were born there, but they aren't even your nationality. I don't really see your reasoning."

I sighed and latched my teeth to my bottom lip, chewing on it. I didn't care if it went raw. "This was years ago, I don't really remember why." He didn't exactly look contented with my answer, but I went ahead and picked back up from where I left off before he spoke again.

"My point in mentioning that," I started off, giving Tom a look. "Was that as I climbed the ranks, I had to complete certain levels of projects to keep my position. I had done many easier ones when I first was promoted, and then I was given harder tasks to keep secrets, like the robot. That work would have kept me alive with a high rank easily."

"Are you implying you wouldn't be alive if you didn't complete that? Because you most certainly did not succeed and here you are, now." Tom's sneer disgusted me, a shiver of annoyance wracking through my spine.

"Yes, I was if you did not keep cutting me off, Witness." He rolled his eyes- or, so I presume from how his eyelids motioned. "You had a much easier time surviving if you were up higher on that ladder, which is something I found out after being enlisted, so I could not back out. So, my only option was to try and get up there." I felt my throat catch on itself. It was one of those feelings that either meant you felt the need to cry, or it's too dry and when you speak it likes to scratch. I figured the latter. Then again, worry sat at the back of my mind, considering I was under oath to never speak of any of this.

Then of course, cue that damn silence. I hated it, it made you question everything you've said and what body language you presented. Awful. I wanted to say more, I felt like there should be more, but that was my reason; my own survival, how selfish. Matt finally spoke up for the first time since they had left me to rest.

"Why, then?"

It caught me a little by surprise, I'm not going to lie. A ping of anger, confusion, and gloom laced his words at different points to come up with a fragment of a sentence that sounded so dejected. Not only that, but even without speaking his face said it all. He just looked so hollow.

"Wh- What?" I felt my voice crackle under the pressure of my thoughts, which I internally cursed myself out for.

"I said why? You should know what I'm talking about Todd- Er, Tord." Matt paused quickly, looking down for a moment before picking his eyes off the ground and boring holes into my own. He began rocking his weight back and forth. "Why didn't you ask more about it before joining? Obviously an organization that keeps everything secret until you're in is going to end up bad. Why didn't you tell us? We probably could have understood, being that you needed that thing to live, and then we wouldn't be in this mess now." Heel to toe. "Why didn't you just fly off? Why did you cause so much uneeded damage, why did you come back just to keep us in the dark until you crushed us under your thumb?"

My vision unfocused more as he went on, smashing any thoughts I had previously to unrecognizable bits. Holy fuck did that get to me, and that rocking drove me insane. His voice carried the same three tones as before, but god they were amplified so much more. There were other emotions mixed in as his face scrunched inward while he tried keeping his voice steady, but I couldn't name them if I tried.

Tom and Edd looked less surprised than I did, the rest of that filled up with their agreement as they shared a glance. Matt drew in a sharp breath through his nose and closed his eyes to calm himself. The green orbs snapped back open to stare at me, awaiting some reaction. That was gonna have to wait though, because even I was waiting for a reaction. Anything, just something, but my head was still wrapping itself around every curve and corner in each word. After taking a minute or two to think to myself, Matt seemed to think I ignored him, his face sullen.

"I-... I do not know." I sighed as soft I could without it being super audible, and looked up at the red head. That was all I could muster, and in that moment I didn't understand why they put up with me.

Matt looked fucking pissed. He frowned heavily and shut his eyes tight, pulling a slow breath in, then out. "You're kidding?" I shook my head. "Right, I- don't know what I expected." He ran his hand down his face, a finger catching the corner of his lip. He turned away from the rest of us in the room and held onto the door frame briefly. "I'll be in my apartment." And so he left, not waiting for another word. My mouth hung open ever so slightly, and my gaze fell to the floor. I let my breathing go quiet, the ringing silence yet again hacking away at my patience. How much more of this quiet could I take? Not sure. All I knew is that it seemed to tick like an eternal clock and every passing second drove another nail through the back of my head. I hated so badly that there a hush fell over us after everything.

"Fuck." I didn't even notice I spoke until my mouth closed, and I heard the other two shuffle around for a moment. Matt almost never got that way with any of us, so when he did, it always shut down what was going on. He'd explained that it happened when he got emotionally overwhelmed, so I felt kind of bad.

"Maybe it's best if I go check on him," Edd sighed, picking his hand up away from his hip and dragging it over the side his face and down to his chin. "I know how he can get like that." All that Tom offered was a nod before walking down the hall, not even bothering to say his goodbyes to Edd- I expected nothing in my direction, but to him?

"Okay." Nothing seemed to come to mind anymore other than one word answers, so maybe it was best that this conversation was over for now. Not only that, but there was a missing party member, so anything I said now would have to be repeated later. I hate doing that. I didn't much care that Tom had gone, but then again he probably would have made me talk twice over. Edd's shifting by the doorway caught my attention once more, and I looked up at him.

"I figure you don't really want to talk to just me, hm?" I nodded. "That would explain the silence." Something about that sentence hurt, but I couldn't quite place what exactly. "Look, you quite obviously know that you fucked up- fine, whatever- but it's going to take so much more to regain that trust we used to have. And I hope you know that it will never be the same as it used to, if you even decide to take up on the offer to try again."

"So what is that?" I interrupted, staring just above his eyes to avoid locking with them. "I thought you said you did not forgive me?" Edd laughed. Ouch.

"Did I say that was what I meant? No, I don't forgive you, that'd be idiotic. But, I am saying it's possible to work on rebuilding what you destroyed. I'm never going to forgive you, I can tell you that, but I am willing to give you a second chance at some point- well, it's more of a millionth chance at this point." He was always one to clutch to something even if it was crumbling apart so badly no one would think you could salvage it. That was now, and I could see that even after all these years he hadn't changed. Had any of us, really?

I drew in a heavy sigh, which admittedly was a bad idea since it triggered a coughing fit, but at least I managed to stall enough time to think of how to respond. "I would love that." I left a small fragment of a smile on Edd's face. God, that made me feel nostalgic. That was like the smile he used to crack when we first started talking and I actually managed to make some progress in getting through to him. That was when friendships were simple; now they were constantly threatening to fall apart at a moment's notice- or was that just us?

Edd took the doorknob into his hand, pushing the door open into the hallway. He turned his body away from me, but kept his gaze steady on me. "I'll see you later," he said, dropping his head a bit and looking the other way. "Old friend."


	5. run for the hills (ch. 4)

Upon waking up, I noticed that the tele in front of me had been flicked on, but the volume was extremely quiet. I guessed that it was so I wasn't startled by the noisy box. I sat up and rested my back against the armrest, looking over at the glass table. There were a few slightly crushed cans of both Cola and Dr Pepper, and one mostly full bottle of water. Probably from last night, I guessed. The rest of the room was only a bit messy, most of the problem areas being the carelessly tossed together items on the bookshelves. But, it wasn't like I could say anything, since my room before all of this was never any better. I tore my eyes away from the boring decor and turned my attention to the kitchen off to the left of the couch. There were curtains hung so that I couldn't exactly make out what the room was, but from the shadow splotches I could make out, I just guessed. There was someone at the opposite end to the curtains, judging off the obviously human shape moving around while they cooked. Speaking of, I still didn't know who's house I was in, but it didn't take a genius to figure that I was staying with Tom. Great idea, because that went so well the last time.

I heavily doubted that they would've left me to Tom's care if it was possible to have me stay with one of the other two, but then again maybe they just wanted me dead. I chuckled dryly at the thought. Based off the shuffling in the kitchen, the other in the house noticed that I was up, and he made his way to the doorway, stopping there and leaning on the frame. He crossed his arms. "So, how are you? Unfortunately awake, but what else?" Lovely.

"Thanks, I feel pretty much the same as yesterday, minus the immediate burn." Tom nodded and glanced back into the other room, biting onto his lip as he thought for a brief moment.

"I should probably change your bandages, huh?" He didn't wait for a response before picking himself up from the lazy stance and starting down the hall. I listened to the distant rustling in the cabinets before he walked back out, empty handed. "Get up."

"You are not serious?" I gave him a deadpan look, and sighed when he returned the glare, showing that- no- he wasn't joking.

"Fine, whatever." I peeled my back off of the armrest- almost quite literally since I had been much too hot during the night- and swung my legs over the edge of the cushion. Upon standing up, there was definitely a balancing problem; as in, I fell back onto my ass. I could hear Tom's snickering from across the hall, which honestly gave me a bit of drive not to fuck up again since that laugh always managed to piss me off. Luckily second time was the charm, and I kept myself on my feet. Walking was another beast to tackle, as my legs still burned almost as if I were still sprinting from the mess of destroyed aspirations, but I was steady enough to make it to the bathroom.

As to be expected, Tom had something to say. I had learned to tune him out so many years ago, but I found many times before that was much harder to do when he was just a foot or so away from you. It was rather disappointing to say the least.

"Having fun, there?"

"Oh, absolutely, thanks for asking." I narrowed my eyes at him, half-heartedly hoping to be greeted with silence and some bandages.

"No problem, home-wrecker."

"That is not even the right-"

"I know, I know, whatever. Do you want your damn patches or not?" I let out a sigh of discontent, nodding slightly. There's no need to piss him off further, as much as I'd like to, cause I kind of wanted to avoid infection- imagine that.

Things were silent as he pulled the dirty rags from my wounds, aside from the 'thunk!' that they made when he chucked them without a thought into the waste bin. I peered over, and sure enough, they were absolutely soaked with blood, both old and fresh. Must've had a decent amount of weight to them considering how light my arm felt afterward. I pushed my shirt off with a bit of his help, and although I didn't exactly care for the thought of him touching any other part of me than the problem area, he wouldn't be able to get to the top of my shoulder if I hadn't. Then again, who's to say even he would want to.

He got to work at cleaning off the dried bits around my shoulder with some hydrogen peroxide, and it stung. Like. Hell. Normally I didn't have a problem with that chemical burning, but then again this injury was a thousand times worse than any nasty paper cut I cleaned up with the stuff. I gritted my teeth whenever Tom reached a particularly deep cut, but as he worked down onto my arm, I couldn't exactly feel it anymore. Now, I probably wouldn't have cared if I just couldn't feel the stinging of the peroxide, that would have been a blessing, but I couldn't even feel the pressure of his cloth. It was utterly numb. "Uh..." I wasn't sure if I wanted to actually say anything; I mean, this is Tom I'm speaking about. Anything I say can and will definitely be used against me. But, to hell with it, my arm seemed dead. "I can not feel my arm."

"Well, duh? I really don't think that an explosion that big would-"

"No," I growled. "I can't fucking feel my arm." He shot me a glare. "You know, as in 'pinch me, I must be dreaming?' " Eyes half lidded, he raked his nails down my forearm to prove his point, some very weak trickles of blood following. But I didn't feel a thing. I stared right on back at him, his expression morphing into a slight bit of concern. So now he believes me.

"Shit, what am I supposed to do about that?" Tom muttered, clearly not wanting to be blamed for my lame arm. "Fucking- I swear to whatever god, if you make it seem like I did this to you," he said, rubbing away the drops. Oh the nerve that he had.

"I'm sorry, what the fuck are you on about? This is your fault, you are the one who shot me clear out of the sky!"

"Well I'm not the one who decided it was a good idea to stab my friends in the back for one stupid ass project! You didn't actually have to go through with any of that, you know? Did you ever even think about how that would crush Edd and Matt? And me? You almost god damn killed me! You're a psychopath!" Tom shot up, his firm gaze dead set on my eyes. "I never asked for you to come back and screw our lives over like I knew you would, I shouldn't have to deal with you. You're basically a corpse at this point, and what do I get for taking care of you? Zip! I get an apology from Edd, that he shouldn't even have to say, because he and Matt don't have the money to keep a hunk of flesh on their rent! I can't even fathom how you would have the balls to come crawling back." At this point his eyes were smoking a bright purple, his fury evident in both his expression and his tone as he drove a finger into the centre of my chest. "You should have died up there, you know that? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't drive you up there to fucking rot. I. Fucking. Dare you."

I finally realized that I had been holding my breath once my lungs felt heavy and ready to burst, but letting out that air didn't take the knives he just shoved into my chest back out. I figured that there was nothing I could say to him that would get him to stop. Never in my life have I been able to change his mind, and with the situation at hand it was going to impossible to break that curse.

"Well? Nothing? You know, that's not surprising!" he spat, barely even waiting for me to let any of that soak in. "I never should have left you alone with them. You've always been a ticking time bomb that we had to carry the weight of."

The longer he went on, the more and more it felt as though he was twisting those blades in slow, painful circles, driving them deeper with a strong push. I was bleeding horribly, most of that not coming physically through my wounds, but figuratively through the cuts of his words. My vision fell out of focus. "You are right," I breathed finally. Tom's piercing purple eyes faded back to an endless black.

"What?" I suppose he didn't expect me to admit it.

"I said you're right. Take me back."


	6. sentiment (ch. 5)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for past suicide attempt, implied abuse, transphobia, and mental breakdowns.

Tom stared at me blankly, though that quickly faded to a look of annoyance. "What in the actual fuck is wrong with you? Did you hit your head or something?"

"I mean, the-"

"Yeah, whatever, the explosion, I get it. But you..?" He looked me up and down as if I was some stranger to him. "You've never given up like that before." He drew in a deep sigh and continued on with his cotton swab, cleaning off the dried blood as best he could.

We sat in an uncomfortable, deafening silence as he worked down to my hand, then tossed the last of the drenched cotton into the trash. His eyes seemed to wander around my torso as he absentmindedly messed with the roll of bandages- which I absolutely hated-, trying to pick one of the sides up. It was just as bad as messing with a roll of tape. But eventually, he managed, though then there was the surgical tape as well. How fun. Tom Pushed the roll in X-like shapes to cover more area with less of it, and then stuck the ends in and down. Once finished, he sat back on his heels and glanced over his work, gaze falling on my more centred scars again.

"Hey, could you not?" I spat, making it evident that I just wanted him to move on. He waved the bandages in my face mockingly before setting them back down on the counter and picking out a few more cotton balls out of the open package.

"You're lucky I'm not taking your word on the drive just yet."

"Just yet, huh?" I smiled, though in all honesty it was grim. He seemed to notice, biting his lower lip loosely as he began to sanitize my cheek.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm not actually going to drive you up there, as much as I want to drop your ass." I eyed him over curiously, opening my mouth only for him to slam my mouth shut again with his hand. "Shut up, you'll open your wounds. And I'm only not because- well, nevermind. Besides, Matt and Edd would kill me if I did that."

_Why would they care? It wasn't like they knew me that well._

_I held the pen tightly in my shaking hand, endlessly bouncing my leg up and down. It thumped against the desk pitifully, making the wood rattle the smallest bit with each soft hit. My handwriting wasn't getting any better as the night pointlessly dragged on. The air was stiff and smelled musty. This apartment really was horrible, but at least my father slept comfortably in a different room. Mother was never home. She said it was so we could keep living as we did, that all the work she did was for me, but it all seemed like she just never wanted a son. It wasn't like she ever told me that she had one, anyway. It was all about how she missed her daughter. Well, she was never there to begin with, why did it tear her apart so much?_

_I held my head in my hands, not bothering to drop the pen as it pressed uncomfortably to my skin. Why was this so hard? I barely had anyone to write to. I looked down at the words on my paper, the ink running in some spots from the tears I didn't know I was crying until another drop fell from my finger._

_Why was I crying? Why, why, why? All these questions were plaguing my mind with nothing left to flush them out, so I slammed pen back down to paper and scribbled everything down furiously. My aching, my tired eyes, my longing for something, anything, but there was only nothing. I began to put down Edd's name, shaking my head as I wrote down as much as I could to him. I wrote of how he was such a brother figure, how he was so comforting to be around and that I didn't deserve him in the slightest. Matt, and how he always seemed to know what would make me laugh, even if it was just him fretting over a corn skin on his tooth, and how glad I was that he had stuck with me since I moved to London. To Tom, who, even though I still wasn't used to him, managed to understand any feeling that I spilled out to him and then let me drown out my sorrows with our music. We weren't exactly a perfect friend group, no far from it. We were all freaks in the school's eyes, but did that stop us from growing so impossibly close that it felt like home was anywhere, just so long as they were there? Absolutely not._

I looked up at Tom, who had his hand resting on my shoulder. Why? I shrugged him away, only to notice the goddamn streams falling from my eyes. My face was completely void of emotion, which must have been what got to him, but I ignored it and wiped away the offending liquid. "Yeah, probably. Just like last time, no?" He grimaced.

"No shit.."

_"What the fuck is wrong with you? Why can't you just leave us alone!" I clutched my shoulder tightly, stopping the cut from spilling anymore blood. It wasn't in need of stitches or anything, but it was in the perfect spot that just didn't like to stop bleeding._

_"Oh boo-hoo, you gonna go cry to your friends? Oh wait, they can't help ya'! They're just as bad as you t-" Tom cut him off with a punch to the stomach, taking the wind out of his lungs. He tugged at my arm quickly and we ran off from the back of the school, panting by the time we reached my place. It was the first home of all of ours, so even though it was a bad idea with my dad being home, we walked in._

_Immediately he was all over me like he always was, running his hand over the scar on my jaw that had been freshly bruised, and taking my hand off of my arm. By the time he got an explanation out of us he was furious with Tom._

_"How dare you let her get into that kind of trouble? How long has this been going on?"_

_"Sir, with all do respect, he's a boy. I-"_

_"Like hell she is," he muttered quickly. I knew that he wanted me to hear that. I shrugged my shoulders when Tom looked to me in question, his head hanging slightly when he addressed my father again._

_"Look, h- she was being targeted because of me, but we were dealing with it! The kid wasn't even that dangerous, I promise you!" It wasn't working._

_"Then do you mind explaining where this came from?" he yelled, gesturing to the now wrapped cut._

_"It was from me, but I was trying-"_

_"Get out." He didn't wait another second before shoving the teen out the door and slamming it behind him, turning and staring right through me._

"I mean- It wasn't entirely me, you know," he said under his breath, his voice carrying something heavier than what he was showing me. "That's an ass thing to say, but whatever."

"I don't care. It was not at all you."

Tom didn't take his eyes off of his work, but his expression did drop. "Shut up."

_"What do you mean? No, this didn't- I... You couldn't have!" Edd's eyes were pleading more so than his brain let him say verbally._

_"I-I don't know what to tell you, he.." Tom pushed the falling liquid from his face back up to his eyes, as if that would help any. "I didn't mean it!"_

_"What the fuck! That doesn't make it at all okay?"_

_"I was drunk!"_

_"So what, obviously you haven't drilled it into that thick skull of yours yet that it's not a good idea to drink around him!"_

"You can't even fucking say that, and you know it.." His words held no real anger.

"And why not?" I winced as I felt a weak scab split open on my face, but I could care less. "You were not the one in my head. You do not know what is going on."

"I-! Wait, you mean 'was'?"

_The ink was hardly legible anymore, but I didn't care. I just wanted it all out. I just wanted them to know that this was okay, that I was going to be okay. But I was lying, and I couldn't break the habit._

_My father became way too overprotective and always called my mother whenever I wasn't home within 5 minutes of when I usually got back from school, or if I dared to comment on it. But I still snuck out at night and ignored his calls if he noticed._

_Edd and Tom became distant, and I didn't know what was going on. Matt was still there, but it wasn't the same. Our family fell apart, and the poor kid was trying his best to cheer all of his friends up whilst consoling them all separately. But he wasn't helping me with what I needed. I didn't tell him._

_Everything was crushing, always pressure, you have to run, you have to breathe. But there was no air left._

"I don't even know at this point!" I screamed, wrenching my eyes shut in a fruitless attempt to hold back those burning tears. "I thought it was over, I thought that was it! You all recovered, and I thought I was done lying!" Tom looked like a deer in headlights.

"Tord-"

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

_And when you try to take in air when there's nothing left, you suffocate._

"You never had any idea of what was happening, I never said a word! Fuck, I still don't! Why do you all stick around when all I do is lie?" I was hyperventilating. I didn't care. "I never once told you guys that if we had never met, I would've been lost in an endless loop. I never told anyone that I was gone at all times, I never told anyone and just now saying it I feel like I am going to implode!" Tom had his hands tight on my shoulders, throwing in any word he could to try and get me to calm down. I didn't listen. "I am always, constantly drowning and I don't know how anyone could ever think that I am worth the worry!" He began to speak, though all I heard was ringing. I didn't breathe.

_"Is he okay..?"_

_But sometimes there's someone ready with oxygen, someone willing to give up some from their own lungs just to heal you._

"Tord, please come to." I focused in on him, just then realizing I had been still and not letting myself look up from my bandages.

We sat in a somehow comfortable, finally quiet silence. "I.. I am." I didn't bother correcting my phrasing.

_"Yes," I choked out. My eyes were still screwed shut, but they felt light unlike the week before._

_Someone took my hand. "Promise me you'll never lie like that again?"_

He offered me a gentle smile. I didn't get to see that often. "You're okay now, yeah?"

_And I nodded._


End file.
